Vacation!

Ok, ok...I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks now.  Truth is, I've been  on a much needed vacation and just haven't made time for writing.  Also, I usually write when I'm on layovers and...well...I haven't had one of those in a while.  Not to worry, my glorious step away from aviation (forgive me for putting it that way) will end this Friday and life will return to normal for me and my escapades around the country.

(The view from my parents back porch where I spent as much of my vacation as humanly possible.)

Vacation at the airlines looks better on a pilot's schedule than it looks in the contract.  What I mean by that is this...with over 11 years at a major airline I still only receive three weeks of vacation every year.  Keep in mind that I work almost every major holiday and most weekends as well.  I get my December schedule later today and I fully expect this to be yet another in a long line of Christmas days spent at the hotel bar.  One year in particular, I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, my wedding anniversary and New Year's Eve at the Courtyard Marriott Hotel at the New York Laguardia airport.  The bar tender and I were on a first name basis by the time it was all over.  However, creative bidding allows me to stretch my three weeks into much more.  For instance, I took two weeks of vacation in the second and third weeks of November this year.  I also bid a line in October that had the last 6 days of the month off...then bid a line in November that had the first week of the month off and another 4 days off after the end of my vacation.  Long story short, by the time I go back to work this weekend, I will have been away from work for a full month.  Not bad for a two week vacation.

Anyway, my hectic life will get back to normal this weekend and I'll start writing again.  Until then, below are a couple of humorous emails I got from a friend this week entitled "Things Pilots Say" and "Airline Logbook Entries."  They aren't anything new, but they're both funny and supposedly true.  Enjoy.

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 Things Pilots Say

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life.  Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto:
'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'

If Air Traffic Control screws up, it's called a "System Malfunction",
If a pilot screws up it's called a "violation".

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 ................. on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son.  ..................... this is where the food is."
 
The three best things in life are:
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

Things that are worthless to a pilot:
1. Runway behind you.
2. Altitude above you.
3. Airspeed you don't have.
4. Gas in the gas truck.

"The only time you can have too much gas is when you're on fire."

"Only touch the shiny switches--it means someone's touched them recently and it's probably okay."

And the Big Three:
1. Don't fly at night.
2. Don't fly in the weather.
3. Don't f#%& with the red-guarded switches.

On pre-flighting: remember you don't want to buy the damn thing, you only want to use it for a little while.

If it ain't leaking, it's empty.

Boeing multi-use switch philosophy:

Up is On
Down is Off
Twist to Dim
Press to Test
Jerk to Inflate

Three things you don't want to hear in the cockpit

CA: Watch this!
FO: I got a good idea.
FE: Oh shit!

Keep thine airspeed up,
lest the earth rise up and smite thee

I'll believe it when I'm sitting in it AND getting paid.

When it all starts falling apart............fly the biggest piece safely down.

" A good Captain and First Officer go hand in hand..... but not through the airport terminal."
Stolen from Len Morgan

Take offs are optional.  Landings are mandatory.

See this line?

See all this here stuff on THIS side?

That's MINE!!

See all this here stuff over THERE on your side?

THAT'S MINE TOO!

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Airline Logbook Entries

Airline pilots use a logbook to report problems to ground repair crew.
Sometimes the ground crew are smartasses.

(P) = Pilot's entry
(E) = Engineer's entry


(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) # 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.

(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.

(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.

(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.

(P) - The autopilot doesn't.
(E) - IT DOES NOW.

(P) - Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
(E) - Fresh seat cushion on order.

(P) - Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
(E) - Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

(P) - Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
(E) - Pilot removed from aircraft.

(P) - #2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) - Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

(P) - Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
(E) - Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

(P) - Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
(E) - Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

(P) - Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
(E) - Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

(P) - Flight attendant cold at altitude.
(E) - Ground checks OK.

(P) - 3 roaches in cabin.
(E) - 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

(P) - Weather radar went ape!
(E) - Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

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I hope you enjoyed that.  Thanks for reading, I'll be back soon!