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Showing posts with label "airline humor" "things pilots say" "airline logbook entries". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "airline humor" "things pilots say" "airline logbook entries". Show all posts

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Single Engine


Most of my flying during the past 18 years has taken place in and out of the same airport...an airport with which I am now quite familiar.  Like anything else, familiarity and routine can be both a positive and a negative thing.  On the positive side, it helps a pilot predict what is coming next and highlights unusual clearances, mistakes and anything else that might be out of the norm.  For instance, the normal climb out of DFW goes something like this…the initial clearance for jet aircraft is a climb to 10,000.  Typically, the first departure controller will clear you directly to 17,000.  The first center controller issues a clearance to FL230 and the first high altitude controller will issue a clearance to your filed cruise altitude, usually somewhere in the mid-thirties.

If you're familiar with what's normal, then you know that an initial clearance to something less than 10,000 is a good indication that there's traffic in the departure corridor that isn't usually there.  The absence of a clearance to 17,000 indicates conflicting traffic on the arrival.  A clearance to something less than FL230 might indicate that you are following slower traffic which would require a level off to avoid separation issues.  Pilots commonly use the term S.A...situational awareness.  S.A. is knowing what is happening around you at all times.  Not just with your flight, but with anyone around you.  We're all sharing the same taxiways, runways and airspace, and knowing and paying attention to what everyone else is doing only adds to the level of safety.  

Another byproduct of familiarity and routine is that it helps a pilot remember unusual events.  Many of the details in the story I’m about to share are seared into my memory more in relation to their departure from the norm, than anything else. 

The Captain was working the radios and I was at the controls as we took off from runway 18L on our way to Mexico for what was supposed to be a simple turn-around.  We had a full load of passengers and a heavy load of fuel in anticipation of poor weather at our destination, so the aircraft was well above maximum landing weight as we took to the air.  Our initial clearance altitude was 10,000, the first departure controller cleared us straight to 17,000, the first en-route controller cleared us to FL230 and the high altitude controller immediately cleared us to our cruise altitude.  So far so good.

As we passed FL230 we got a call from the First Class Flight Attendant who explained that she had our meals ready.  Yes, we get fed at meal time in the cockpit, but we usually get fed after the meal service is complete in the cabin.  Crew meals are a contractually negotiated perk that we have managed to hold onto over the years.  They’re a little like eating the same thing every day at a restaurant you don’t particularly like, but the food is free and pilots are cheap.

At any rate, the unusual timing of the cabin to cockpit chime highlighted the moment and the altitude in my mind.  As the Captain got out of his seat and stepped back to the cockpit door, the amber “Caution” light illuminated on the glare shield in front of me.  This light is designed to catch the pilot’s attention and direct him to an abnormal condition with the aircraft.  The overhead panel is a sea of lights, buttons and switches, but situated above the windshield and below the overhead panel is an annunciator panel.  Usually blank at this stage of the flight, the OIL STRAINER CLOGGING light stood out like a sore thumb.

"Master Caution" and "Master Warning" lights in the upper right hand corner.
MD80 Annunciator Panel as it normally looks during flight...dark, no lights
This is an issue I've handled before…on more than one occasion actually…but never in the real airplane.  It’s come up a few times in the simulator on a LOFT (Line Oriented Flight Training), something we do every nine months to stay current.  This time it was real and although the first thing we did was consult the emergency checklist, I knew what it said to do.

We were in communication with Houston Center at the time and the Captain requested a level off at FL240 because he too knew what was coming.  The Captain read the checklist as I performed the procedure.  After turning the auto throttle off, I added pressure to the left rudder pedal as I pulled the right engine to idle thrust.  I held pressure on the rudder instead of adding trim because I knew we would be starting down in a few moments and would have both engines at idle, negating the need for trim.

The warning light remained illuminated, but all other engine parameters appeared normal…oil temperature, pressure and quantity normal…EGT normal…N1 and N2 normal.  We were not required to shut down the engine.  It's much better to leave an engine running at idle if at all possible.  At idle, the engine is not providing any thrust, but it is providing air and electricity and is standing by to produce thrust if absolutely necessary.

I have declared an emergency on numerous occasions in my 25 year flying career and have always received prompt and helpful service from ATC.  Today would be no different.  I pushed the throttle up on the good engine in an attempt to control speed and asked the Captain to request a lower altitude.  Given the heat of summer and our heavier than normal weight, we weren't going to be able to maintain FL240.  The Captain declared an emergency and requested an immediate descent and a turn back toward the airport.  We were cleared to descend at our discretion to FL180, an altitude we could maintain on one engine, and were cleared directly to the airport.  We were now headed the wrong way on a heavily traveled departure corridor from one of the busiest airports in the nation, but ATC would clear the path for a straight in arrival with no delays.

 “Say souls on board and fuel remaining”

One of my jobs as the First Officer is to review the weight and balance data that the company sends us after we leave the gate.  This data must be received, reviewed and verified as correct before we can legally takeoff.  The closeout comes in the form of a short printout in the cockpit with all the information we need to verify the weight and balance of the aircraft.  Part of my personal routine is to write the flight number, draw a line from our planned flap setting to the stabilizer trim setting and make note of the number of souls on board in large enough print to be seen by old eyes…mine and the Captains.  (Pictured below is the closeout from another flight).  Souls on board and fuel remaining are typically the first two things ATC wants to know after a pilot declares an emergency.


“145 souls on board, three hours fifteen minutes fuel remaining”

After completing the checklists, the Captain was very busy keeping the Flight Attendants in the loop, making PA announcements to concerned passengers and coordinating our arrival back at the airport.  He delegated flying the airplane and working the radios to me. It was at this point that I remember making a conscious decision to make the arrival as normal as possible.  This goes back to the concept that know what is normal will highlight things that are not.  I wanted this arrival to look as normal as possible to help me identify anything else that wasn't.

As we descended with both engines at idle power, there was no differential thrust so the airplane flew normally.  I planned to pass abeam the departure end of the runway at 8,000 feet so I could make a power off descent to the final approach course.  We called the airport in sight and were cleared for a visual approach to runway 18R.  We could have had any runway we wanted, but 18R was the normal runway, so we stuck with normal.  We started our turn from the downwind leg back toward the airport as we passed through 5,000 feet and I didn't have to add power until we were almost over the final approach fix.

I slowed the aircraft and configured for landing as I would for any other flight with the exception of the flap setting.  We are required to use 28 degrees of flaps instead of the normal 40 degrees when landing single engine to help with climb performance in the unlikely event of a single engine go-around.  Less flaps...less drag...all good when operating on one engine.

At about 1,200 feet above touch down, I increased the power one last time on the good engine and stabilized our approach speed.  I'm not embarrassed to admit that the last 1,000 feet of the approach got my blood pressure up just a hair.  This was my first single engine landing out of the simulator.  We were over the maximum landing weight for the aircraft by almost 10,000 pounds and flying on one engine.  The approach needed to be perfect and in order to prevent damage to the aircraft, the touchdown needed to be smoother than normal.

I set the main gear smoothly onto the runway, lowered the nose until the wheel touched and raised the reverse thrust lever on the good engine as I applied the brakes.  We slowed to taxi speed on the runway and leisurely took the last high speed turnoff from the runway where the “safety vehicles” were waiting for our arrival.

 “Safety vehicles”

I may be letting the "cat out of the bag" here, but when making PA announcements to the passengers, there are many words we generally avoid…thunderstorm, tornado, wind-shear, emergency, engine failure, fire…just to name a few.  In this case, the words “fire truck” could strike fear into an otherwise calm and collected passenger.   Imagine if you will, a first time flyer sitting at the over-wing exit. He read the safety card in the seat back in front of him, so he's fully qualified, right?  After landing, the aircraft is surrounded by fire trucks with lights ablaze and a hand full of guys wearing full fire gear jump out and surround the jet. It isn't at all inconceivable that this guy might panic, pop the emergency exit and evacuate.  What a mess!  We want the passengers to be informed and we want them to know what is going to happen next, but certain words just cloud the issue.  We avoided stressful words and warned everyone ahead of time about the "safety vehicles."  No worries...please remain seated.

We stopped the aircraft on the taxiway just clear of the runway and shut down the right engine as the “safety vehicles” inspected our aircraft and gave us the all clear to taxi to the gate.  To be honest, the whole thing was a little anti-climactic.  I've trained for this sort of thing many times.  The Captain and the Flight Attendants were so good at their duties that most of the passengers hardly knew anything was wrong.  I stood in the door of the cockpit to say goodbye as everyone calmly deplaned.  I didn't notice single concerned face.  Most people said thank you and I even heard a few "nice flight" type comments.  I wondered to myself if they knew we weren't in Mexico.

An hour later we were climbing through FL240 for the second time that day, but with slightly more productive results.  On to our destination and back again, I was home within two hours of when my wife was expecting me.  I don’t think she even noticed.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Vacation!

Ok, ok...I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks now.  Truth is, I've been  on a much needed vacation and just haven't made time for writing.  Also, I usually write when I'm on layovers and...well...I haven't had one of those in a while.  Not to worry, my glorious step away from aviation (forgive me for putting it that way) will end this Friday and life will return to normal for me and my escapades around the country.


(The view from my parents back porch where I spent as much of my vacation as humanly possible.)

Vacation at the airlines looks better on a pilot's schedule than it looks in the contract.  What I mean by that is this...with over 11 years at a major airline I still only receive three weeks of vacation every year.  Keep in mind that I work almost every major holiday and most weekends as well.  I get my December schedule later today and I fully expect this to be yet another in a long line of Christmas days spent at the hotel bar.  One year in particular, I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, my wedding anniversary and New Year's Eve at the Courtyard Marriott Hotel at the New York Laguardia airport.  The bar tender and I were on a first name basis by the time it was all over.  However, creative bidding allows me to stretch my three weeks into much more.  For instance, I took two weeks of vacation in the second and third weeks of November this year.  I also bid a line in October that had the last 6 days of the month off...then bid a line in November that had the first week of the month off and another 4 days off after the end of my vacation.  Long story short, by the time I go back to work this weekend, I will have been away from work for a full month.  Not bad for a two week vacation.

Anyway, my hectic life will get back to normal this weekend and I'll start writing again.  Until then, below are a couple of humorous emails I got from a friend this week entitled "Things Pilots Say" and "Airline Logbook Entries."  They aren't anything new, but they're both funny and supposedly true.  Enjoy.

__________________________________________________________________________________

 Things Pilots Say



A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life.  Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto:
'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'

If Air Traffic Control screws up, it's called a "System Malfunction",
If a pilot screws up it's called a "violation".

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 ................. on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son.  ..................... this is where the food is."
 
The three best things in life are:
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

Things that are worthless to a pilot:
1. Runway behind you.
2. Altitude above you.
3. Airspeed you don't have.
4. Gas in the gas truck.

"The only time you can have too much gas is when you're on fire."

"Only touch the shiny switches--it means someone's touched them recently and it's probably okay."

And the Big Three:
1. Don't fly at night.
2. Don't fly in the weather.
3. Don't f#%& with the red-guarded switches.

On pre-flighting: remember you don't want to buy the damn thing, you only want to use it for a little while.

If it ain't leaking, it's empty.

Boeing multi-use switch philosophy:

Up is On
Down is Off
Twist to Dim
Press to Test
Jerk to Inflate

Three things you don't want to hear in the cockpit
CA: Watch this!
FO: I got a good idea.
FE: Oh shit!

Keep thine airspeed up,
lest the earth rise up and smite thee

I'll believe it when I'm sitting in it AND getting paid.

When it all starts falling apart............fly the biggest piece safely down.

" A good Captain and First Officer go hand in hand..... but not through the airport terminal."
Stolen from Len Morgan

Take offs are optional.  Landings are mandatory.

See this line?
See all this here stuff on THIS side?
That's MINE!!
See all this here stuff over THERE on your side?
THAT'S MINE TOO!
 _________________________________________________________________________________

Airline Logbook Entries



Airline pilots use a logbook to report problems to ground repair crew.
Sometimes the ground crew are smartasses.

(P) = Pilot's entry
(E) = Engineer's entry



(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) # 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.

(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.

(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.

(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.

(P) - The autopilot doesn't.
(E) - IT DOES NOW.

(P) - Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
(E) - Fresh seat cushion on order.

(P) - Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
(E) - Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

(P) - Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
(E) - Pilot removed from aircraft.

(P) - #2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) - Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

(P) - Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
(E) - Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

(P) - Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
(E) - Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

(P) - Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
(E) - Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

(P) - Flight attendant cold at altitude.
(E) - Ground checks OK.

(P) - 3 roaches in cabin.
(E) - 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

(P) - Weather radar went ape!
(E) - Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

 __________________________________________________________________________________

I hope you enjoyed that.  Thanks for reading, I'll be back soon!